Hello! My name is Julie. Most people call me Jue or Juju. I don't know why but I love it anyway! My best friend and the sweetest and funniest girl in the world Day (ashenrose) is on Mindsay and her sweetheart Tim (justoneflaw) who is also one of my good friends and who is very funny and smart is on here too.

I'm 19 years old (Not for long! My birthdays in September.) And I'm a college student with an undecided major. I'm actually working towards a degree in art history or studio art and taking classes to transfer to another college. I'm undecided about almost everything though so I feel like I have no goals most days. I'm probably coming along fine and I'll eventually graduate. I'm just going to enjoy life and not worry. Ok that's a lie!

I also have a bunny named Oliver. I wanted one my whole life! And now at 19 I have one. Other girls wanted my ponies and I just looked at my stuffed animal bunnies and sighed wishing they were alive. He really makes me happy though. More than an animal should. I don't obsess though. I don't dress him or have conversations with him. I just like watching him play and brushing his fluffy fur and givign him toys. O and he's a dwarf/lop and adorable:)

I also love my family more than anything. My parents and good, kind people and they have been amazing parents. They know I was the sensitive one and how to talk to me and tried not to ignore me becuase I was the middle child. My Dad is a harworker, he works long hours then works on our house and our cars. My Mom works at our church helping people who are in need and volunteers a lot of her time in other projects and makes sure everyone else is doing ok at home and is always there for us.

 My sister MeMe the youngest is the opposite of me in many ways and in others exactly the same. My brother Bryan (Bunna) and I were very close when we were younger, but now he's silent and serious and tries not to laugh. I love them both very much and I think I'm the luckiest becuase I have a big brother and a little sister. Aww it's so mushy isn't it. But that's me. I usually have to hide it from people becuase it's ackward but it's just how I feel.

Ok enough for today. Ya'll know too much about me now!

O! I've joined Mindsay for 3 reasons...

1. My love for my best friend Ashenrose who is a new member here.

2. The friends. It's hard to keep friends on LiveJournal. They come and go. Most people there join communities and stay fairly anonymous and just comment to other people on certain topics. I like reading about people's real lives not only their interests in journals so hopefully this will be better.

3. How easy it is to customize your page. But it's cool how much control you have too. I don't really want do the html thing. All I want is to change fonts, colors, and pictures and that's what you can do!

I'm so confused by life right now. I'm accepted to two colleges where my options will be completely different. If I go to (a) I can only take art history classes. If I go to the other (b) I can only take studio art classes. What I really want is both. At the (a) with art history classes, if I wanted to take the few studio classes that are available at my standing, then I have to quit my job. I already had a hard enough time finding classes that would work with my schedule. It's a decent excuse to quit but then I'd have to find a new job that will pay less and I'll be starting over at a entry level position.

I think what I should worry about most right now is what I want to do. And the thing is I want both. If I think rationally about this, I am a serious and studious person. I studied a lot when I went to the college for art history (a) and when I transfered to another college (b), I was happy with smaller classes but found I could study less and do as well. I think I might be a little more challenged by college (a). I'd get a degree and could find work better. But then I want to also be an artist and live creatively. At college (b) I can get a degree in fine arts, but then I have to learn how to sell myself and my work to make a living. I wouldn't have to follow as many rules any more and be more honest to myself. College (b) wasn't a mistake because I did get the chance to explore.

I want to work hard and grow but I don't know which is the right choice. Maybe there isn't a right choice. I take a very long time to make decisions becuase I think about them too long. And then after a period of being extreemly confused I suddenly know what I really want. Sometimes if I'm rushed I know it's the wrong choice after I made the decision. So I think I'm going to go on my gut reaction.

Either way, I'll get to spend time with in awe of works of art. Meeting people who like what I like and are inspired by the beauty of world will be a good reward. I am just wondering what decision will get me there. And I think now that if this is what I love I should puch myself as far and hard as I can. And right now this is college (1) at a university, where I can really study good art and explore my own creativity on my own.

I would really enjoy being a professor and sharing what I have learned  with others and more importantly inspiring them. I would also love traveling the world and seeing different cultural expressions in art.

I hate it when I think to much. I already knew what I wanted to do and got scared and ran once. I never really thought about it. I loved art and I felt inclined to go into the art history program. I considered other things thinking that's what I should be, when I knew what I really wanted. It's my vocation. Not a job or a career. The idea of seminars and portfolios is irratating. I just want to be who I am.

No more stress. It goes to your gut and makes you sick. No more thinking either. Causes headaches. Just doing whatever the hell I want bitches!

Movies I want to see... kinda

1. War of the Worlds (i'm a dork but.... the book will probably be better and I hate Tom Cruise but the story, director Spielberg, and the imagery will probably make it worth it.)

2. Bewitched (very funny, but it's will ferrel so no big surprise there.)

3. Wedding Crashers (V.V. is hot! and it looks funny.)

4. Cinderella Man (this seems like it should have come out in fall or winter. it's too somber for summer)

5. The longest yard (to see the future academy award nominated Nelly)

6. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Johnny Depp is funnier than that stupid red afro Gene Wilder)

7. the Forty Year Old Virgin (it stars Steve Carrell, the halirious Brick from Anchorman)

That's it! Will I end up seeing any of these? Probably not, but I might.

Things I'm loving today...

1. Making decisions! And not doubting myself as much. Hoorah for a smidge of confidence for a change!

2. My new bra! TMI (too much information)? Probably, but I don't care I love it. No more beamer lights when it gets cold! Ackward!

3. Oliver (my bunny) carrying around and chewing on the things he suppose to!

4. Confronting my Ma that we never had a sex talk and her saying she'll answer anything we want to know. And more importantly finding out some pretty juicy information! I'll never look at my Ma the same. Don't worry it's not pervy, it just shows she's not as much of a prude as I thought.

5. The 21 books I have out from the library on art. I love them and I actually am getting to really read and look at them for once.

6. People at work. There are a few exceptions. In particular one high strung one but I really like everyone there.

7. Meme having something to do this summer and lovin tennis.

8. Time to draw. Meme likes the stuff I make even if no one else gets it. I think I'll share more with her. Her and Day are my soulmates.

9. The beautiful sunset we've had lately that lit up my grey room to shades of pink.

10. Colorful shirts! My closet is almost a rainbow. I'm working on it. It's wierd that I care more about hoe my closet looks than I do sometimes.

11. Always having the ones I love here for me when nothing is going right.

12. Did I mention my bra? My boobs feel like they're floating on air. I'm just kidding by the way. And at least I'm honest.

More to come

Anyone work with a person who completely irratates you and makes you consider quitting your job just to escape them? It's not that this person is a bad person they just get on my nerves becuase of how obsessed over thier job they are. They flip out and go crazy everytime something goes wrong and think everyone else is incompetent or doing things just to make them mad. They're life is their job pretty much. They might have a family but they are more obsessed with work.

They work extra hours and feel like it's a personal insult when someone is given a job over them. And they pick up on every mistake but they don't just point it out and look for a way to fix it they cry that it's the end of the world and figure out who to blame for this irreversible mistake. I think this person was trying to be nice when they nominated me to start this project at work although I never said I really wanted too. I don't mind doing it but she noticed it wasn't getting done on certain days becuase of scheduling and said I could do it. Word gets to the "heads," the almighty ones, who nominate me for the job.

School comes first for me and when I start classes again I don't want more responisbilities at work. If they're not raising my pay why do it. It's not really difficult, it's just that my life is not my work. This is temporary and part time. This person is part time too, but she acts likes everything is her responsibility when it's not really. They are just a little too high strung for me and I really don't know any other way to deal with it than to figure out the mistakes she finds and ignore her when she gets upset and pointing fingers.

Today was long and dull. But some stuff happened.

I might have caused a catostrophe that will bring down the entire "stratosystem" at work once and for all killing the great "overmind" and the mystical creature that does it's bidding. (sadly no one will get this but I'll explain it to you if you want).

I thought about my favoritest Day who has been sick and in pain lately and probably a little depressed from it. Spent my free time thinking of what I could do for her and not coming up with anything realistically possible or worthwhile.

 Ol looked at me with his soft brown eyes and I made me love him.

My Ma muttered at me and was mean.

I get less accomplished than I planned, and nothing accomplishef that I wanted to do.

I swore in my head at stupid people and dreamed of the day I could quit.

I laughed and thought some people at work were cute.

I debated with someone the exsistence of a book. I had a record of it but it has mysteriously disappeared and left traces on someones record... yet somehow they don't have the book. Oh, I believe that ::sarcasm:: The best part was this went on for a half an hour.

Now I'm sitting here, hoping my parents will leave so I can read my books and watch my Pollock and Sister Wendy videos.

BTW. My mindsay name is not what most people would think it means. It's the name of the goddess. Here's an exert from enclyclopedia mythica....

Angerona

The protecting deity of ancient Rome and a goddess of secrecy and of the winter solstice. Angerona is shown with a bandaged mouth with a finger to her lips commanding silence. Her feast -- the Divalia or Angeronalia -- was celebrated on December 21.

and another definition...

I also like the goddess Athena/Minerva becuase of her wisdom and her strength. I loved reading about her in the Iliad, and how she would just flick arrows away from her warriors. The actual Roman goddess of silence is Muta but I like how Angerona is a protector and depicted with a bandaged mouth.

My salvation army finds!

I love this blanker more than anything. I want to make a poncho out of it so I can wear it around. It's such a brilliant blue http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v628/ladyoren/blankie.jpg

I love these purses too. They are so cute. I love the snake and houndstooth prints! O yea and that's my stupid toe in the picture. Sorry! http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v628/ladyoren/purses.jpg

They look hardly worn and they are very cool colors and good fabric. I like!http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v628/ladyoren/shirts.jpg

I also bought a new looking clinique travel bag and the most beautiful head scarf in the world. They wouldn't show up on camera though!

Everyone is crabby today. Everyone disagrees with me or tells me too shut the hell up. I've been told that too many times today. My co-worker managed a half apology at her annoyiness. I'm not mad at her, I just disagree with her. She keeps trying to win me over too. To me it's part time and I will be responsible. But again it's not my life!

Also feeling stupid becuase I know a lot but I know nothing useful. I'm not a fricking typical Virgo becuase I'm not practical or methodical. And I'm not good in finances, I can hardly do math in my head. Maybe I'm seem cold but that's becuase my emotions are often strong. I don't express them because of trust issues and it is ackward when I express them they aren't "normal."

Almighty OL my bunny is estreemly cute. He is doing the puffball thing today, where his eyes and feet disappear into his fur.

Looking up stuff online. I looked at a lot of cars in my price range and looked at Ford Focus and thought that was so cool, becuase it's got a lot of power and good handling for such a small and practical car. My Malibu's ignition cylinder needs repairing though. I couldn't start it again today becuase it activated the theft system which can't be reset.

Looking up vegetarian recipes too. I want to be one again but no one supported me last time and people get offended be it for some reason. I just think that the meat industry is unbearably cruel and that there is nothing in meat you can't get in other foods. There a hardly any vitamins in it. And you can find protein in foods like leafy greens and nuts that have healthy fats not heart stopping cholestorol. I can give up smelly eggs too. I wouldn't eat my dog so why eat a chicken. There's a lot of religions that support vegetarianism. And I would rather be vegan becuase the treatment of the chickens and cows is appaling.

I know people think that I this won't last long and it'll be just like the last time. I'm sure most people will think it's a phase and that I'll give it up. I don't care though. I don't have issues with my body any more like I did in high school. I'm doing it for ethical reasons like back then but it was hard planning my diet (not weight loss but actual eatting plan) when I was so young. I couldn't cook and we didn't have to much in our vegetable trays. Besides I had enough issues with kids at my table commenting on my food that weren't name brands or my health drinks that they called laxatives.

I can't wait for school next semester either. I'm finally getting into my program. I loved my western art class then. I think I'll love it even more learning more in depth about it. My schedule is had to work out. I won't get home til 10:30 some nights and probably won't get to sleep until midnight. I can sleep in at least. It's just night driving on the freeway or that dreaded stop and go tarffic road. O well I'm an adult and I can sleep in some days. There's only 3 seats left in one of my classes. So I'm registering at midnight when it opens.

Blah Blah Blah. My life is so exciting...

I read the most amazing book today by Edgar Rice Burroughs a sort of inspiration for Ray Bradbury. It was "A Martian Princess" and it was the most imaganitive, well written, and thematic books I've read in a while. The descriptions of the 15 feet tall, olive skinned Men of Thark with red irises in their eyes on the opposite sides of their heads was beautiful. The desciptions of the beasts and the moss like yellow vegetation and enormous buildings were also breath taking.

The Martian societies were so complex and so different but like our own I wonder how he even thought it up. It was a very intelligent book that explored the psychology of the Martians and the John Carter, thie Virginian who fell asleep in a cave and woke up on Mars, the war planet of savage creatures. And of course he finds the love of his life who he fights and changes the savageness and brutal people of Mars. There were amazing descriptions of fights, very gorey and brutal. But John Carter and other characters were more noble than many classic heroes.

It is amazing for the imagery alone. But the themes are so powerful. It is life-altering. And I have yet to really understand the book. But it's my new favorite!

Trying some recipes today! I'll take pics and let ya'll know how they turn out!

I had the most wonderful day! I saw my bf Day and we talked A LOT. We ranting and got a lot of stuff out that has pissed us off over the years, especially "Lakes" people. And I saw Day's cute old house that she still misses. I still miss my house in the woods too! Ol was extreemly cute and I showed Day his trix! He is fascinating to me. I would never eat him! Random? Yes!

No work today! Hooray. Lots of errands though. I needed stuff for my recipes. They're so crazy. I found one for lettuce wraps that was so good! It has tomato, celery, green onion, lemon juice, and olive oil inside a wrapped up piece of lettuce! Yum!

Stupid Target was out of Pretzels! We drove all the way there for them and the ones on the display were a month old!

So we went to Big Boys for dinner and I had a salad and cup of Cabbage soup and a cup of delicious Sweet Potatoe soup. (It was not labeled so I hope that's what it was!) And Day had brocoli soup and cottage cheese and yum cole slaw. MMM!

I was happy to talk about so much stuff with Day. And we got to talk about someone! But I'm not telling who. And I'm not telling you anything else we talked about, which was a lot of stuff. We talk fast and we are opnionated ladies so we covered muches!

Then we came back and watched crazy videos. And then Day left. Bye my loves!

People are so quick to call other people hypocrites. I don't think that's fair though. People are should be allowed to change their mind and grow a little. Sometimes I'm wrong. That's why I change my beliefs when I learn differently through experience or thinking it through. Also people misinterpret the word. It means saying one thing and doing another not saying one thing then saying something else later. And besides people don't always say what they mean becuase society might not allow them to, or they don't want to offend someone, or they trust the person enough to express their thoughts to them.

Just stop calling names people. Labels aren't fair.

I called D.O.C. to schedule an apointment and thay actaully had an opening today so I figured I wasn't doing anything today so I went. Very intense. For like 20 minutes we did the whole "which is better 1 or 2? 2 or 3... " I thought I was doing something wrong. And they did the eye puff and dilated my pupils so that I look like a stoner now. Turns out I have a 20/50 vision and a stigmatizm in each eye. 

But I'm happy becuase I got very cute glasses. I'm paying for less than half of them becuase the insurance didn't cover them completely. They are so cute though! And I can pick them up Tuesday!

Didn't get order sunglasses this time. And I have 3 months to decide if I want contacts or not. I don't think I do though. I probably won't wear my glasses all the time. Just reading, work, school, blah blah blah. I got them anti-reflective becuase I spend 3-4 hours at the computer at work and an hour at home.

The best part about the glasses is that it solidifies my chic geek status. And I work in a library I can get away with it! It also makes me look even smarter than the little brain I am. I bet Tv and the computer damaged it. I read more than I watch tv or use the puter but I don't want to think it was the reading. And if it was, I eat carrots all day to keep my eyesight for that:) I wonder if people lived outdoors like they use we could see farther. But probably being indoors with limitted sight range probably make it harder for the eye to develope that way. Just a thought.

Sad news today about the terrorist attack in London. I firdt heard about it from a perky dj who didn't seem to affected by the news. They were interviewing a lot of people on Cnn but I had to go online to get the beginning of the story becuase news reached the US around 3am and they were reporting on it for most of the day before I knew. Any other day I might have heard sooner but I had the day off.

I heard "somone" say today that thier god must be evil for them to do these things. I said chances are we have the same god just different prophets. Christians follow Jesus, while Muslims follow Muhhamad. I don't think the Muslim faith teaches hatred. It's still so strange to me that those radical groups put their extreemist ideas before human rights. It lacks compassion and love. Human's a rational beings but emotions are always at our core. I think many people in psychology and other fields understand this. That we have subconscious experiences in our emotions. Why some people build their life around love and others around hatred for others I don't know. I don't think good and evil is black and white. But love and compassion is always good.

I think the people in London must be in shock now. Imagine having to wonder if there will be another attack right down the street or in you transportation by timed bombs. If it al-Quida I  think they are fools to strike at a countries symbols. Their intent is probably to make a statement of hatred toward that culture. But it also stimulates patriotism and in their country as well as community pride. Great Britian is a powerful country that will probably not let their challenge go unanswered.

I think that saddest thing is loss of lives and the people left behind. They must be feeling very shocked and a little scared. But I think like after the 9/11 attack they will feel a sense of compassion and charity for their neighbors and friends and help out their community and the victims.

My sister visited London and talked a lot about the "tube," subway, where most of the attacks took place. It was something she enjoyed and she thought they nice and fun to ride to all the tourist locations. She also saw Tony Blair, who I wish were our president for his eloquence, intelligence, and motivating speeches. ::secret crush!" She thought it was a beautiful country with polite people. I wish I could visit. They are very honest people from what I know and that's a quality I admire. I'll know I'll visit one day.

There are a lot of things that G.W. Bush says that make me mad. One in particular got me thinking this morning. Bush has said on occassion that America has a "entrepeneurial spirit." An entrepeneur is usually defined as someone willing to take risks. However American society is made up of too many entrepeneurs. We have to much business.

If you go into Walmarts you'll find plenty of consumer goods. And you'll find often several versions of the same item. For example, there is an entire aisle devoted to laundry detergents and stain removers. And while this might seem like a good thing, there's only a small chance you'll benfit from it. And when you stand there you have to figure out which is the best choice. If I get the biggest one, it'll be at a better price than if I bought two of the other one. But then I don't need one that big. And if I want quality that one with new improved stain remover would be the best buy. But chances are regular detergent will work just as well. In fact a bar of soap and water might produce the same effect: clean clothes. Then there are scents to chose from. And some people won't like smelling like baby powder all week, unless everyone smelled like baby powder then everyone would know it's the detergent.

Some people I think go for the container that appeals to them most. Or go for the one with bright yellow sign saying the item was marked down this week but will be priced up when you want to buy it again. Then some people have consumer identity and relate more to the Tide commercial so they are a "tide person." So they only buy Tide.

Honestly I see that whole aisle as a waste and a psychological mess. I don't know how companies expect people to buy their product as opposed to another. Advertising can work as well as low prices. And colorful bottles can influence as much as new detergent "technology." No wonder we don't have the cure for more diseases. We have to many corporations hiring scientists to work on "detergent technology."

And this is not to keep the consumers satisfied it's to compete with their competitors so people will keep buying their products. Some idiots might write letters to the company saying that they are faithful to the product but would like some improvements made. And I think they're just the biggest idiots in the world.

What more do you want out of your detergent? How sad and dull is your life that you want to write a letter to a detergent company. Try a different brand, you consumer whore. Or better yet be happy that the detergent does it's job and reliaze clothes don't last for ever and repeated washings wear down you clothes more than you actually being in them. Corporations know this. They also water down the detergent so you put in a capful, instead of a tsp of the pure stuff, so you'll think you're clothes will be really clean and they can charge you more.

I think what America needs is more people in trades and actually trained to do their job. If you get a degree in English you can practically do anything. I meet someone the other day who sold me eye glasses and had a degree in English. She was capable of doing her job but she wasn't actually trained for it. So what was the degree in English for. No, according to Bush we need less educated or trained people and more people developing new products and get enormously wealthy like he has. What Bush doesn't understand is that the earth's resources can't possibly handle everyone living like he does.

Not everyone can own a ranch. There's not that many domestic animals. (Also I think there is a lot of cruelty involved in ranching but I don't want to get into that.) And not everyone can own that much land. We can't all spend that much on cars epecially nice cars, or on clothes. Becuase there's no that much to go around. Americans demand more and more and there aren't enough people to work to accomadate this greed so we have to go elsewhere.

I think we also need more services. As rude and impatient as many customers are now I don't think people are lining up to work in service. But I think people react this way becuase they aren't treated very humane in stores any more. You can't talk becuase you'd hold up the line. And the workers can only follow the policy and can't help you unless it's something allowed to do.

More ranting later. I got sick and left near the end. I don't have the energy for his and I don't really care. I just won't be part of that type of culture.

I typed one entry this morning on soemthing pretty irrelevant. I'm actually thinking more of the things I want to draw and what I'm doing today more than I was that. And I was thinkink or really trying not to think about how bad I felt.

I had bad cramps yesterday before I even started my "monthly" so I took the anti-inflammatory the doctor gave me. It helped me yesterday but then I couldn't get to sleep until 2 in the morning. This morning I got up at 6 kind of okay for about 10 minutes. But then I started feeling sort of wozey and those horrible aching cramps came back. I don't know how to describe the feeling but I'm almost completely incapacitated when I get them.

So I've already spent an hour and half in the bathroom, throwing up or rather gagging becuase I didn't have anything in my stomach to throw up and trying to get the bathwater cold enough which it never got. I'm better now becuase in the last 20 minutes the water and central air in the bathroom made it freezing. My fan is on high now and I should be shivering like crazy, especially from being so sensitive to the cold but I actually feel numb. I think since my insides are so inflammed that this is probably the best treatment.

I don't think I'll stop taking my medicine since I think that's working. But being in the bath tub full of cold water brings my tempertaure down and stops the swelling and excess blood flow to that area of my body. Gross, I know you don't want to hear this. But we all have bodies and at least I'm taking care of mine. Just don't read this if you don't want to hear it.

I feel so calm now. My eyes are heavy but I'm still alert. It's like meditating I think. I like baths! This is a great feeling. I still ache there but I can handle it. And I'm glad I can take baths to help becuase I toss and turn and double over trying to find a position that doesn't hurt but I think laying still and relaxing helps. It's better than moaning and groaning and crying from the pain like usual. And I don't like ending up lying on the floor half unconscious with my eyes rolled back like I have when I wasn't able to deal with it in the past.

Cold baths are the best. I love them becuase they make me feel so much better!

Ha! One of the suggested tags is 'cold sad eyes.' Did someone else use that? If not, wierd, becuase that's not in my entry.

I love being Vegan. I have so much more energy and I'm getting people in my family to eat better. I just hate the food they put on our shelves without caring about our health. That should be the companies first concern, to put nourishing foods out but all they care about is the shelf life, competition, and profits. I seriously feel better.

And I get a good feeling knowing that I'm not supporting cruelty to animals or the consumption of other living things. Whether you're Christian or not, it's been an ancient belief that man had dominion over animals. And this means that they should be protected and cared for. Like the Peta website says: Queen Elizabeth has dominion over her subjects but this doesn't mean she should eat them or abuse them. She has to treat them well and do what's best for them.

I love being Vegan. I don't even care what people think about it any more. I'm willing to discuss it with them. I don't debate because that escalates too quick and pretty soon everyone is yelling idiotic reasonings at each other. So I'll discuss it reasonable and accept that there are some things I have not considered becuase I didn't think of them but this is my lifestyle and I follow it becuase ultimately I want to live my life being humane and peaceful and take care of my body.

I've also been more positive lately. Not insanely grinning, jumping on Oprahs couches naively happy. I just feel peaceful and I think of what I've been through. And it is never the worst. And more importantly I think I can handle it.. Life is temporary. But it is beautiful. I want to enjoy the beauty so I don't want to get caught up in the pain.

I realize now it's more in my head that in reality. Science doesn't care what I feel and the world will keep turning. I am skeptical of it but it's also funny. The world does not care. But then it will never know how great an emotional life can feel. I'd rather feel something than nothing. I've always felt strongly but now I'm letting myself experience these emotions.

It's strange how the world doesn't care. People care and animals feel emotions. But the weather and atoms and the seasons don't care. They are arbitrary and there is something beautiful in the fact that they don't care.

Or maybe they do. Plants turn towards the sun. And music affects their growth. But they are subjected to the seasons and weather. And although they are constantly changing they seem arbitrary, they do not care. They have an objective path and they don't care. It's not like the movies, it will not rain when you are sad, more likely you will be sad when it rains. And when it was sunny on you're grandmother's funeral you might remember it sentimentally and nostalgia rather than lingering grief and regret if it had been dark and cloudy.

Couldn't get my glasses today. Gar! They need a rubber band to put it together and have to order it.  I was like 'a rubberband?' 'No,' they said a "special" rubberband.' And I think aren't all rubberbands be special? Each and everyone?

I got glasses. They called me a few hours after I got home and told me they got the tool fixed. Yay! The world is beautiful now. I can read road signs, I can see blades of glass, I stared at the door knob for five minutes like wow that's beautiful! I had no idea I was missing so much! Everything was blurry before like I was looking through old glass. I was looking out the window of our car like wow I can read the sign before I'm right next to it and saw some street signs that I had no idea what they were before.

Now I see lines and shapes, it's the difference between looking at impressionist painting and a realist one. I almost wonder if impressionist painters were just losing their eyesight not inventing a new style. Not that I don't like blobs of color but reading things and seeing their outlines is even better. And my eyes have stopped watering and maybe my head won't be so sore all the time, don't know what that was about but it might have been my eyes.

I feel fantastic! I love my glasses. The world is beautiful! I can look at fields and see grass and trees not just a blur of green. Maybe it'll help me draw better too. Maybe not but I'm going to think so. I'm not as realisitic as people think I am. I'm opnionated for sure but real to me is whatever I want to think. And I think a lot. Too much so that things that should be complex become simple and resolute for me. I just reason stuff out. Of course I'm still dumb about a lot of things.

But I don't have a lot of world knowledge. I don't know how to get places and I can't remember what I'm suppose to do tommorrow until I wake up and just know. It's wierd becuase I wake up on time the days I work and I sleep in undisturbed on the days I don't. I don't know when stores or roads change or what my neighbors are up to. I am preoccupied by reading people's behaviors and the things they're not saying.

And thinking about why people do the things they do. Or I think about the way life is our how nature works. I look for patterns in things and wonder how long until something goes bad? Will it be bad if I choose not to see it that way, and is it inevitable that it will be bad.

Or what if everyone in the worl was equally bad, that if somehow you added up everyone's sins we'd all come out the same. Virituous people may be prideful and tell white lies and evil people might be suffering and well intentioned. It's probably not true but I think about wierd things like that. I don't know why I hated philosophy, maybe because the teacher was a prick.

I have problems with my ma lately. I can't keep my mouth shut becuase I disagree with everything she says. I'm so hyper-moral and (I cant think of the word). I just get upset when she thinks I exercize to look good and "compact" things. I do it to be healthy. That's the higher goal! To me that's ethical, to take care of my body. To look good would be shallow.

And I get upset when people spend a lot of money or don't put on their turn signal. It's a courtesy! It's to let the person behind you know that you're slowing down so don't rear end them. It's to help them drive better. But no people would rather people drive like them and expect things to jump out of their way.

And people don't say thank you and sorry enough. I said sorry today when I messed up. And this guy says I that I don't need to say sorry. It's easy to get distracted so I didn't respond. But thinking about it now, I think, I didn't have to, I wanted too. I made a mistake and I wanted to acknowledge and apologize so I could try again and get it right. I'm still ackward and I wish I could be more friendly and I'm going to work on it. I just like to stay out of people's way and not get involved becuase I've bee untrusting lately.

Ok my brain is working overtime writing this entry. I just get frustrated at people being shallow and so frickin stupid thinking that there aren't consequences. I'm so judgemental.

I know I get on people's nerves becuase I am so opinionated and I'm sorry for that. I am butting heads with everyone lately, but I'm happy becuase I finally feel like I'm talking to people. I've always been quiet and avoided conflict. I still don't like starting fights but I feel like people aren't willing to let me say what I really feel lately.

I love people more than I show. I'm just have extreemly high standards for myself which other people don't understand. I allow myself to make mistakes but I make myself fix them. And I am relaxed about things like work expecially compared to some people I know. And I think the people I love are kind and honest and have amazing personalities. And I don't want them to change.

People should just not ask me what I think any more. Because I'll tell them. And I think about things to much, so they are sometimes surprised at my answer. On the other hand I get upset a lot and feel other people should be more responsible and thoughtful (ma...but she lives in a little fantasy world and is easily hurt so she withdraws and doesn't deal with a lot of things until it heaps up on her and wears her down.) And I wish people wouldn't ask me about everything. Sometimes I feel like, go ask the person how they feel, don't ask me or what do you think, I can't think for you.

It frustrates me when the people I love don't let me in on what they're thinking. To me that's absolutely crucial to our relationship. It's the worst feeling for me not to know how people feel. The people I know are often to nice to let me know that I've hurting their feelings without knowing. And they don't let me know what's bothering them. But then theres my mother who beats herself up over little things. I'd rather hear it than not but I just feel like you're the most amazing person I know and you're hurting me more than you know by telling me this.

If I offend people by questioning what their doing I feel sorry. I don't mean to tell them what they should do or not support them. I just feel like I have to drag things out of people and I question what they're doing to see how they feel about it. It probably feels confrontational and not supportive to them but I just want to know what they feel and how strongly they feel about it.

 I have high standards for myself. But that's so unbelievable different from my opinion of other people. They have other experieinces and personalities and I know I could never know what it's like to be them and have their experiences. It doesn't mean I'm not fascinated by it. I like getting in other people's heads and figuring out why they do the things they do. But lately no one is letting me in. And no one cares abot how I feel.

No one but Meme asks me about my art. No one talks to me about Veganism. I suppose that they're trying to be supportive but asks me questions or even remembers. Which hurts becuase I don't want to lecture them I just want to talk about it. I can't even talk about my bunny Oliver to some people in my house becuase he's known as it, when he really makes me very happy. And I can't talk about the wierd thoughts I have during the day about the people I see and the things they do and why they do it. No one cares what classes I'm taking or the jobs I'm looking for. I can't talk to anyone about the dreams I have or the images I see in my head.

Know one knows about my favorite books or favorite works of art. They don't know what music I listen too. They don't know my favorite movies. I know that these interests aren't who I am and my taste change. But they affect me personally and emotionally. The only person I can think of that will talk to me about everything is Meme. I'm a tough older sister because I look out for her and I don't forgive anyone who hurts her. And maybe she admires me just becuase she's my little sister but I'm glad someone understands me.

 She knows that I am picky about the things I like but I feel strongly about what I do like. And she knows I will make fun of every pop song or commercial on tv and do impressions of stupid celebrities. It irratates her but she understands my humor at least. And she knows I am not hateful of everything. I just think most of it's silly and idiotic and I wonder how people waste their lived doing what makes them rich, or infamous, or whatever their selfish desires are.

I don't know why she even likes me some days. I'm so cynical and my humor is so off to most people. But I'm glad she does. And even though it doesn't really matter what cad I listen to, it's the nicest feeling that she cares, when other people won't even listen to me talk about it. And she's the only person who understands and supports me with my art and my love of it. I love her. I'm lucky to have her.

I was talking to some people today and I was wondering what people thought about this... I have my own opnions but I'll share them later after people start commenting becuase I'm interested in them and want to see new perspectives.

The question is: Should Muslims have to apologize for terrorist actions? You can take this to mean, apologize officially as a group or individually. I think there are some cases where they may have apologized officially or individually. But the the question is: do you think they should? Are they obligated to or do you think it would be the "right" thing to do. Does apologizing make them acknowledge they're responsible or that it is in their teachings to do such actions?

And most importantly what would you do in their place, assuming you were part of a large religious group that had people committing acts of terror in the name of your religion? You can take this to mean that these actions are within the teachings or against the teachings. Just imagine yourself in their place and think of what you would realistically do.

I was raised in a Catholic environment and although I intend to remain Catholic I can't help but feel suffocated and angered by many of the aspects of living as an Catholic. I believe that it's a universal church and I believe in it's core beliefs .

But being raised Catholic and attending a Catholic school all my school age years I found suffocating and oppressive. I was raised in an atmostphere that made me feel guilty for everything others did. We were constantly punished as a group in school and I felt guilty for things that other people did and the group was aware of what others thought. They thought of themselves as bad children and behaved that way. They were told that they were all mean and cruel and they acted that way. When the teachers said that they were loud and unruly they got worse.

And the good kids tried to make up for the the ones who misbehaved by working harder. And they were told they were good kids so they acted that way. And the same thing happened with the bad ones. But whether they acted good or bad, they all thought that they were bad. We were the worst grade. We made teachers cry and we want to quit. And we were even meaner to each other. We were told this and believed this and things got worse and worse from then. I'm sure this happens in other schools, including public schools but adding in the element of sins and unquestioning obedience that you find in Catholic schools it's no way to raise thinking, free-spirited children.

 I am Catholic but I am tired of the "mystery" in Church affairs. I am tired of the hierachy of men who dictate rather than lead. I don't think that the actions of pedophile priests is considered moral by the Church but I think the cover-up of many members was decietful and corrupt. I'm not waiting for an apology but for more dialogue about the issue. For less politics and power and more spine. I would like for the Church to stand up for and speak out and not send out vague addresses and find some direction.

I'm very affected by a book I'm reading now that I'll be writing about more.

Oliver is a narcoleptic little coonie(bunny)! He just falls over into a deep sleep instantly! Very cute. And now any doubt that he's a boy is clear. Now it is very obvious... unless it's something else. Either way it's? they? are huge!

Last night was Meme's partay! She has so many cool friends. I love them, they're all so smart and clever and mature for their age. Better yet they're nice and are so hilarious!

Ok the wierdest thing just happened! My computer has a ghost. My pointer just started floating slowly across screen and I wasn't touching my mouse. I kept typing but my words weren't showing up, so I saved it and sure enough they were there in the entry. Wierd!

Anywho I was having a horrible day so I hide in my room for a while. Then I came done and played blurt and guesstures. I wasn't good becuase I was tired and feeling sad. I guess having to quit is bothering my more than I thought. I've been crying a few days. Not really tearing up but gasping for her funny noises sobbing. I wrote a ugle entry and made it private and then I decided I better not be wrting things done when I'm so one minded.

It could be a depressive episode but I don't want to think of it as that. Work is really bothering. And while sobbing on my floor for an hour at a time is not "normal" I don't care. That's how I feel so why deny it. And it wasn't interfering with my normal functioning the rest of the day. I think my bodies changed since I was 13, in some obvious ways of course and in some not so obvious. Now I don't have to fight my body when it dips and I feel lost and numb and distraught for what seems to be an endless amount of time.

I admit I had some horrible thoughts. And I was little out of my head in a sense. I kept thinking "I have to be Julie" and it was really bothering me and then thinking that "all I can ask for is nothing." A litte crazy but not psychotic I hope. I was just temporarily disturbed.

Now I've returned to my normal self. Which means alternating optimistic and pissy. But for some reason that's considered normal. It's okay to fly into a rage at a store then watch the news thinking "everythings alright, Bush has things under control." Isn't that a good example. I don't really fall into that thinking. But I do get upset easily lately when people are immoral (I hate liars) or weak minded and at the same time I have hope and determination that although things look horrible we're learning through our suffering and things are really getting better even if we don't see it.

Strange entry. I wasn't thinking about how others will look at it until now. I don't care though. I don't think anyone is that interested anyway. 

I really don't want to update. Usually when I'm really really thinking about things I don't want to write them down. Becuase I know I'll just embarrass myself. Anyway I've made a few fairly big decisions in the past few weeks. Not alone of course. I've been talking to my family a lot and Day online (darn I can never meet up with here!)

So I am starting school Aug 30, and I've been playing around with my classes and settled on all tues/thurs classes (3 a day). I'm taking Western Art II (For my major and more importantly my happiness), Intro to Islamic/Asian Art ( I couldn't settle on a language or international study), Environmental Studies (Science Gen Ed and for anyone who knows me the perfect class for me being that I'm very "Green."), and Drawing I (I'm going to make it fun and work hard.) I'm excited!

I put a lot of stress on myself though, always wondering whether I'm making the right decision. I shouldn't think in terms of right and wrong with these things. But I'm primarily a moral person. I think about the consequences of things more than other people seem to. I think about how it will affect other people. How it will affect my future. I wonder if I'll like it. So I stress myself out every now and then til I get to the point where I say I don't care I'm just going to do this and be happy. I'm at that point at work which is why I'm sad that I'm quitting.

I wish I could have quit when I was sick of the memos and coworkers nagging at me and everyone demanding perfection out of us. I wonder if libraries attract perfectionist and Ocd people. I like them it's just working with a few of them that makes me want to pull out my hair. Some of my more agreeable coworkers are like well it's human error and others think we've failed and want to find out who did it.

And now at work I'm more relaxed, I know what I'm doing, work will be slowing down during the day, I'm getting to know some of my coworkers together. And now I'm quitting. I'm going back to college, I'm taking a full load of classes and my schedule wasn't working. I've played with my schedule now and now only one day conflicts. So I could go into talk to them about it. But I don't know if I could work that many hours a week and do school. I'd work 23 one week, 14 the next. I know a lot of people do that but I have a lot of responisibilities at work. Especially with magazines, answering questions at the desk...

It's hard becuase I'm finally getting comfortable and  I really know what I'm doing, and I'm getting to know the people I work with. I have so many more reasons too. My pay will go up in september and I'll be making almost 12 an hour which isn't bad at 19 years old. Maybe it'll be good to move on and learn new things. It's just a job. But I feel like I might be kicking myself in a few months. I really wish I quit a few months ago. It's not the money that's important to me. I like having a job. But I don't want to stay just becuase it's there.

I'm glad I stuck it through for that period of time that I was stressed out. And I'll be leaving on good terms. Who knows what I'll feel like in a few months. I'm young. Maybe I should try something new. School is more important than work. I hate planning my future. This better be a damn good learning experience because I'm giving up something pretty good.

I got my textbooks yesterday. Yay! They also gave me a free survival kit with Ramen Noodles, shampoo samples, a lip stick sample, and a condom... and one of them is chicken flavored. How that is survival I don't know. How about a study guide, gas card, and a confortable pair of jeans. It's things like that survival kit that make me not want to have the whole "college experience" of eatting crappy food, sharing makeup tips with a whorish roomate, and trying not to wake my room matemate while I have sex on the top bunk with some guy from a fraternity.

I also wrote my letter of resignation. I was genuine in it and said I was sorry to be leaving. Of course in more formal terms. I wrote someone a heartfelt card once and she said that I should be a writer. That's all she said so it makes me think that the message wasn't taken well. I haven't heard from her but it hurt that someone didn't take think I meant what I was writing. Anyway it was well written. I can write persuasively and articulate my feelings well on paper, but research papers are a pain. I hate quoting people and not being able to have a thought of my own much less write "I thought." Apparently an "I" can't write you have to pretend your some bodiless entity that is putting ink on paper.

I'm a little pissy... that means I'm happy! If I'm raging against how stupid people are, I'm happy. Especially those dull people who do everything that's expected of them and more. To me that's dull and expected to everyone else that's playing it smart. I think people play it safe to often. I'm happy I'm quitting for that. I need a paycheck for food but I don't need security and I don't need perfection in my life. At work I felt like that was demanded of me too much. There were a lot of positive things but that added to a lot of stress. That and people watching you.

ashenrose has just revealed my secret identity! I will expose her to the world so she can suffer as I have!

scroll down for the reveal....

Woohoo! I got my packet for Camp today. I got three of my classes. I guess I'll just study or take a walk with Amy during the fourth! It's going to be so much fun singing with Amy all weekend. We both love old musicals and a lot of the same singers. And we couldn't help but sing Cher last time! I'm excited. I love camping. I'd love to live out in the woods.

I can breathe outside. Not in the typical sense but I mean my spirit, something inside me can breathe. I absolutely love being out there. It's not easy. Especially in winter where you get so use to the comforts of home. Even in the summer, easy things at home actually require a bit of an effort while camping.

Other than that, the only thing I have to look foward to is school. Maybe I'll meet some people in my classes. Probably not. I'm not particularly likeable. I put people off in a way. I see through people to well and I don't play along.O well if I don't meet anyone. I don't really hang out with anyone now or see anyone. I'm a natural loner. When I think back to high school I know that is at the core of who I am. I always had "friends" who really just teased me or where to caught up in there own drama to notice me.

Everyone has so much drama. People think I'm a princess because I don't bitch and moan about anything. I could list all the things I could bitch and moan about but I don't have the energy for that. I've decided a long time ago I'm just going to live my life the way I want to. I've made a lot of choices that people might think are stupid or senseless. At least I'm being honest too myself though. I guess I don't really know what I'm talking about. I just resent that people think I live a perfect life and that I don't suffer for anything. I don't suffer becuase the very few who love me don't really love me for who I am but who they say I am. They all label me or think I'm just someone to goof off with. If I try to have a serious conversation with them half of them think I'm challenging thier beliefs and argue with me and half laugh and change the subject. I don't know how this is half when I really only have a semi meaningful relationship with three people but o well.

In other news. My last day at work is tuesday. I found out I just got another pay raise. O well, my education and my sanity as well are priceless. And I've stretched a dollar in the past. I shop mostly at salvation army. And barely use my cell phone and I have a top up plan which is genius. I like it becuase you pay for what you get. There's no confusion with left over minutes that just keep rolling and rolling over and monthly bills with extra charges. I like not having to owe anyone. I just get what I've paid for.

Insurance and gas will be fine for a few months since I've saved moolah like crazy. And I can still get gorceries for a few months too! Which is awesome because I'd go hungry otherwise. O and I almost forgot about Ol. He's not too expensive though.

Arg why am I even thinking about this. I should stop listening to people. Money is meant to spent and I don't owe anyone so I'm doing good. I'm living that's all that's necessary. I don't need to extort money from anyone else. And I have some leftover to give away. I'm not a softie I just think it's dignified and right too. People have been asking me about this. I don't give a shit though. To them I'm just a princess becuase paying for things doesn't make me go crazy.

The reason I really don't want to quit and that's been bothering me is that I really really like the people I work with and I take pride in what I do. People think I'm stupid for quitting becuase I got a pay raise, I make good money, and the dumbest one they bring up is that I have a job. I guess they mean the job market is tight. I'm a good worker. I'll get a decent job better or worse than what I had. It's more important for me to do a good job, like what I do, and know that what I'm doing is important. I got that at my previous job but school is very important to me as well.

I don't know if this is what people consider being positive. People say that I am that way. I'd rather not get stressed out and piss and moan about everything though. Maybe it's from working with older women and in particular the ones that I did that has made me think this way. I've always been the sort of person to just take things as they come. And I have a wry sense of  humor that helps me be cheerful at difficult moments. But working with them has really made me look at the lighter side of things, to just work at challenges and not be overwhelmed, and to just enjoy life.

I've been listening to Shakira as I write this. I love her. She's so spirited and passionate. I love her music. It's not hateful or depressing. I've been thinking and I think our most powerful emotions out of love. I know I'm not the first person to have thought of this. Although I get so depressed often and soemtimes for long periods but those feelings don't fill me like feelings of love. I feel so strongly when I see injustice in the world. I feel strongly about virtues and ideals and stories, music, and art. I think that love between people is a strong love. But love for the world is greater. And the love for the creater and the universe is the greatest. I've experienced the most love every in my life on a few occassions at mass. More than I have loved my mother or a crush or anyone for that matter. Love for a creator doesn't have the dependency or the limitations. There is not question of acceptance and you don't give anything but you're love.

I'm in a pissy mood today. I went to the doctors and got antibiotics and ear drops becuase my ears are blocked. That was okay. School starts tommorrow and I'm not really worried about it. I just don't feel ready. It's not like this summer was such a blast. I don't know if school is right for me. And maybe I'm going in the wrong direction afterall.

I'm also dreading my birthday. I'm happy I'll be in classes 8am- 11pm becuase I hate birthdays. I've only had one actual birthday party and it was horrible. My Mother made me invite all these girls over that I didn't like but that she wanted me to be friends with. She thought I was too shy and just sent out invitations because I wouldn't ask them. My good friend who was my neighbor came over and we just had fun on our own.

My parents use to throw us family parties and I love my family. They have all been supportive of me but we were the only young kids in the family it was all adults talking all the time. Which really was fine with me. I didn't care about dressing up one way or the other. I just hated everyone singing happy birthday to me and blowing out the stupid candles on the cake. That has to be the worst tradition of all traditions. If blowing out candles is sympbolic of something to me, it'd be pretty morbid. But that's besides the point.

I hate having a day about me. If I ever wanted to do something I enjoyed on my birthday no one else would enjoy it's so what's the point. I just hate birthdays. I don't tell people when my birthday is becuase then people will get my a stupid cake that I don't want to eat. At work, my supervisor got me a cake on my last day of work. It was nice but I was so pissed becuase people kept bugging me to cut the stupid cake. I thought people cared I was leaving but they just wanted me to make the first but so they could dig in. Fucking cakes.

So for my birthday we'll probably go to Applebees where I won't be able to order anything off the menu becuase they insist on throwing a dead carcass on every freakin entree. And then have the waitstaff come out, sing a horrible song, and give my cake or ice cream or some other sick treat. I know I sound like a baby complaining about my birthday. I just hate the attention. I hated being the birthday girl when I was little. I don't like "occassions" where everyone acts different than normal and you have to do silly traditions.

I've just never enjoyed a birthday. It doesn't make me happy. If they can come and go unnoticed I'd be perfectly happy. It's better than wondering why someone didn't send a card and someone else who you rarely see did or wondering who will show up.

It's a hallmark holiday where you have to reavaluate your life and the people in it. And I don't need that now. I'll be 20 years old and will be as dull as ever and as much a black sheep as ever. I was happy with my life until this stupid birthday. It reminds me that I hardly have an invitation list of people to invite and that my way of celebrating my birthday is drastically different than it's going to be. I wish people would just forget about my birthday! How sick and vain is it to have a celebration all about one person?

One of the suggested tags is 'fugly birthday cake.' I found that annoying at first but birthday cakes are fugly! Very, very tacky confectionary food.

Haven't been able to update lately. Been a little busy! I've started classes and am commuting to a new college (somewhat new at least). I really like my classes so far. I'm still getting organized and figuring out how to do all my homework, studying, and those big projects the professors throw in for kicks and make it half your grade. Anyway I'm taking drawing which I love becuase well it's drawing and the teacher is very witty, a little in your face, but she's honest. And my art history classes, I love of course. I love looking at slides. I am such a geek. Sitting for three hours in my late art history class is hard. And with Michigan roads in the winter I probably won't be home til 11. I can sleep in at least. But sleep is beyond a necessity for me. I don't function without it at all. I'm not lazy, it's a stress thing and it helps me deal with problems. I can't really trust any decision I've made til I've slept on it.

In other news I'm getting a new car. It's exciting but sudden becuase my car was just totaled! I was turning left on a green arrow behind two other vehicles also turning and a car just floored it through a red light. I was lucky becuase my air bags deployed and I sort of went numb out of shock. When I figured out what happened I was just shaky and only had a little burn on my arm from the airbag and bruised my nose. I saw the car before it hit me but I thought it stopped behind the line but she floored it through a red light.

When I got out of the dust cloud in my car she starts screaming at me "What did you do?" Which was the most psychologically scarring part of the accident. I was pretty calm and I think the cops were relieved. They asked me what happened asked for my license and all that and told me I could move off the road to somewhere safe. The cops had come in almost seconds after the accident and I found out later I had two witness that they talked to.

Anyway I let the girl use my phone to call someone and she started screaming at them too and saying 'don't tell my parents I hate them!' I felt bad for the girl. She was 16 or 17 and probably having a bad day or week to start with. She probably won't be able to fix her car and I don't even know if anyone was coming to pick her up. I never found out becuase my Mom showed up (she works a few minutes from the place where my accident was) and the cops told us we could leave and I think they were trying to clear the area and get everything settled. They had my car towed within 15 minutes and thank God for them becuase they really handle everything!

Ok so that's my drama. It really wasn't traumatic and I'm not really that affected. After the shock of my first accident I'm pretty adjustated. And I'm just thankful. My insurance is good and is giving me a $100 less than I payed for it. I just have to find something in my price range, with good mileage, relatively safe, and something I will like. You can call me picky but I just have to reasearch things before I do them. I have to know all about it, know what I'm getting into, learn about it's reputation, anything that could potentially happen. I have to settle for less than perfect but I will be happy! I'm only going to buy what will be best for me and make me happy. Cars are frustrating. They makie it soooo complicated. There's so many choices and they all have so many flaws. There's no standard so you find a lot of cars that have good engines and mileage but then they don't hold up at all in crash tests. Or you'll have a big gas guzzler but you buy it thinking you'll be safe not realizing that the tires randomly catch fire or can roll when you drive on a turn over 40. And the pretty cars are usually junk. They're not reliable or safe or anything practical, but then I guess that's not why people buy them.

I'll get a car I like and probably be writing about how much I like it soon though. I am not a car person, don't understand them, think car companies are evil, hate the pollution they cause, hate the consumer confusion, hate the car commercials that make it seem like your car is your identity. I hate a lot about them but the simple fact is that they not only make our life's easier they give us opportunites. They get me to a school where I might not have been able to go and to see the people I love as often as I want. They make our society work faster and get closer to it's goals in many ways. They just make the air so crey and smelly and eat the ozone.

This is not at all what I intended to write about but after a day of looking for cars... well it's what on my mind. I'll talk more about my classes later I'm sure. I love them!

I got my Malibu a few days ago! It's a silver '02 and loaded. It has a sunroof, tinted windows, cd player, power everythimg... I love it. What I love most is that I feel comfortable driving it, like I'm in control, not like in my mom's van that will cruise miles at 55mph if you take your foot of the gas. I drove it once on the way home from the people we bought it from. We had to get it registered. I can drive it today job hunting. Woohoo because my bank account is almost empty with this car and tuition.

I did well on my Islamic art test yesterday! It was easier than I thought. I did study as much as I could for it. I wish I could have studied more but my car stuff took up a lot of time. My score in environment is not so good, but I reallly just want to pass it and I'm going to try to pull my grade up as high as I can.

O I got a call from my old job, a position opened but I can't work thursdays now. And they can't adjust the schedule so I work mon,wed, fri, then sat and sun alternating without the thurs. O well, I don't think I want to go back to all the policies and pressure of trying to be perfect. I think I'm ready to move on.

O and the most important news is that I'm going to be a Queen Bee for Halloween. I have wings and a crown now all I need is a costume. I saw something at Priscilla's though ;) That store is wierd. People must not know how to do the nasty anymore if they need toys!

Ol is causing trouble this morning. Better watch him and start my errands, homework, applications, and all the other crap I have to do!

Yesterday was interesting! Just me an my brother were home and I woke up and there was a strong gas smell. I called my parents and my Dad had a neighbor come over and check. He said it did smell like gas and it was really strong. So we called Consumer Power and they said they'd be there within the hour... and of course they weren't so we called back and they'd say the same thing. 8 hours later after having all the windows open and sitting outside all day waiting for someone to come, somone did. Apparently they put too much of the odorant in the gas and the whole city was calling about it. The difference was that we actually had a leak and our house reaked of it, and we could have gotten sick or exploded. We actually had a problem tho but they got so many calls from people that kind of smelled it in the area that they ignored us.

Anyway I got to go out last night with my best friends! Hooray I've been studying too much lately! I needed to get out and I got to show off my new car. Day loves cars so I really wanted to show her. Now we both are rolling out in style! Her car is the coolest and could probably smoke mine but she was having a bad day so I wanted her to play with my car. She probably got more enjoyment about it that I did! She likes cars like I like bunnies! It's almost a turn on! ::dirty wink::

I don't know if I bragged about my car yet but to answer your question, yes, it has a sunroof!

Anyway I never laugh so hard as when I'm with Dana and Tim. I can't remember what about but yes it was fun!

http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2005-11-14-domino-bird_x.htm

This is the universe's way of saying 'get a life.'

(This is probably the funniest headline I've ever come across. I mean what part of it makes sense! What sane person would set up that many dominoes and shoot a bird over it!)

Everytime I feel like blogging latey, I'm busy and too far from a computer to update.

I started working at Target. It's good for a paycheck and everyone is friendly and fun. I like the GSTL's, the "team leaders," they're all fun and nice. It's mostly standing on your feet for hours, I wich I could walk around more, but I'm learning fast. Everynow and then I'll make a mistake and then I'll feel bad and make it worse! But they're getting use to my oppies and don't give me a hard time. I'm really surprised that I caught on so quick. I was worried about it but I always give the correct change and the computers on the cash machine are more complicated than I expected but I get it now.

My trainers were awesome. One girl was named Deletra and she is so cute and nice and has an awesome name. She sounds like she should be a superhero or in a science fiction movie. The other girl was Robin who I got to talk to a lot. She's funny and was playing pranks on people. I like her sense of humor too so yay!

 I was happy I got to catch up on sleep a little today. I've had my first day off in 2 weeks! Wednesday I was scheduled to 10pm then they made me stay an hour after to finish "zoning" or putting all the crap back in the store. I was mad because I had to get up at 6am and didn't get home until almost midnight. I don't function without sleep well at all. I can go hungry for a while but I just have never been able to do without sleep. I don't know if I'm going to stay on past seasonal, especially with having to work 8 hours til closing and no pay increase for a year. I like the people I work with so I'm happy for now.

Not to much drama in my life lately which is a big yay! I spent the morning with my Mom watching old family movies and cleaning. I think I'm so lucky to have the family that I do. They are definetly number #1 in my life. I'm so glad I'm close with them.  I like watching me and Melissa coloring in bed and me and my Mom walking on the beach and talking. Melissa was always jumping in front of the camera and I was hiding away from it but we were all having fun and enjoying each other so I'm happy my Dad recorded it all in the end... but I still hate being on video! I love my family so much. And it made me happy seeing me and Melissa playing together. I'm so lucky to have a sister. I love that we appreciate each other for who we are and trust each other. And we don't say hurtful things about each other because we really can't think of any. Meme does call me a ho sometimes and I call her a slut but we're joking and we can get away with it because it's so far fromt he truth. It's the best feeling in the worl being the big sister and having someone to look out for. We're so different but I'm glad she understands me. She knows I always have good intentions and that I might not be saying what I really mean and I know she doesn't mean everything she says sometimes because she's just joking and living in the moment.

The best thing about being sisters is that we're proud of each other. We don't resent each other for what the other person has. I don't resent her for all her friends, and charm and how easy it is her to have fun and be the center of attention and be completely genuine. And she doesn't resent me for being thoughtful, and imaginative, and .

When we were little we shared a room she'd be a mess and through her things all over and didn't care what she ran out of the house in or even if they were her own clothes. And I'd keep things neat and clean my favorite pair of shoes and have my favorite pair of jeans and shirt that I'd wear over and over. I wasn't vain or girly and she wasn't a pig or tomboyish. It was just part of who we were. I liked things that looked nice. I like colors and clean smells and looking at the beauty around me. She wanted to explore it and get messy.

I appreciate her more than ever lately. I think it's mostly becuase she appreciates me as much as I appreciate her. She could easily be the center of attention and be laughing all the time and not letting me in on her life. But we both are able to accept each other now only for our differences but love each other for them. It's taken a while but we've learned how to balance each other out. I know not to withdraw to much from her or be to hard on her. She's knows that it's not becuase I'm a perfectionist or a snob. It's because I'm sensitive and like to think things out and that I have strong morals and sense of pride. And I know she's not just a psycho or manipulative or any of the pther things people have called her. She's just being genuine and living in the moment. And it's not that she's out of control or doens't care what she says or does. She just expresses how she feels in the moment with honesty that I've never seen anything close to in someone else. And she's never really the center of attention. In her mind she's sharing it with everyone. I might be off in my own dream world. And most people might be in their own reality of social rules and whatever they think is normal. But Melissa wants to share it with everyone.

I think she was meant to be my sister, so that we can help each other. Lately I've been going through a hard time. Right now Melissa is the only person who loves me for who I am. My parents love me like a daughter and I'm close to them. But I think Melissa was meant to be my sister. I'm lucky to have her because she understands me. She might not understand what it's like. To think that the world is cruel and careless and to be so sensitive and be so easily hurt by the careless and cruel things people do. But she understands how I feel if not what it feels like. And she knows that I can't help who I am. As much as I hide I stick out because I see things the world so different and the things I value seem to be the things people ignore.

I wouldn't have wanted anyone else as a sister. I think people would argue that I would grow to love and appreciate them as much. But I know I wouldn't. I know there was no one else. There's no one else who I could have grown up with and shared things with that would be like it was. We started as two very different people and we've been able to share things with each other and ne who we are and learn and grow from each other. Without her I'd be a shell of what I am today and I wouldn't even have wanted to go this far without her.

Work is makin me so mad. I miss my old job! I hate standing around in one spot all day. And it's so routine! They are scheduling me til midnight wednesday which makes me mad because ordinarily I have class the next day. I hope I don't get scheduled like that again. I'm seasonal and I don't think I'll stay after the holidays. It's sort of routine and there's a lot you have to watch for and ask. I caught on pretty quick. But wow it pisses me off! You have to be so speedy and ask everyone if they want to open a credit card, which no one deos, and check for things they might be stealing. It's mostly my schedule that bothers me and that none of the supervisors came to turn off my light and let me leave until I turned it off 20 minutes later and told them I was leaving. They were busy and I like the people there so I'm not mad at them. Just mad about the job I have to do. I don't liek standing around and doing the same thing over and over and counting money over and over and checking for this and that. Most people there know my name though and that's nice. It's too bad. I'd like working with them, if the job and schedule weren't so frustrating.

My Mom showed up at the end of my shift which was great. We got something to eat and talked about it. She said she'd support me if I'd quit but we both agree I should talk to them first. After the holidays my schedule probably won't be so crazy. I don't think I'll stay past seasonal though.

I love drawing so much! I'm making an awesome drawing which I'm going to put on here. The assingment was to draw an organic landscape. Which is just my niche because most of my doodles are abstract nature pictures and things of that sort. I love it so much! I'm starting to think I could really make a living at this. I have all these creative ideas lately. If only I had the time to do them. I had an idea the other day of ways I could make these sweater purses and silk shirts easily that'd be really cute. And I get these images in my head of thing I could draw or make. I need a boutique or a gallery. I'll find other artists and sell their stuff. I can see myself as a shop owner tho. I definetly wouldn't work til midnights too!

Next semester I'm taking a painting class and a 300 level class with a teacher I really respect. She's intimidating but she's witty and she's always dead-on with her critiques. She's really been very helpful with my drawings and I'm really learning how to see and think better. The class is a Topics class on repetition and basically we're going to be doing our own work and expanding on some idea we have. I love it!!! Can't wait. I'm such a nerd, this makes me so happy. No more art history and memorizing dates! I'm going to have fun.

Hopefully I'll have a good job by then because I like to work and not be lazy. Plus I have bills that must be paid! But then again 7 an hour with punch clocks is not what I plan to do for the rest of my life! Anyway school is important now because I'm starting my classes for my major! I love it!

I'm debating whether or not to quit. The only thing in the way is my stupid morals. I want to be responsible and mature and more importantly considerant of others. Then again I'm seasonal so I'm more or less expendable.

Anyway I'm working on 2 papers now. One on a lecture, and I don't think I went to the right one... and the other on the DIA and none of my pictures came out well and I don't know how to look at the statue anymore now that we've already learned about it in class! Maybe I'll get down there this weekend. O and I have to come up with my own project for studio art! Very hard because I have to write a proposal about it. It has to be amorphic so I was thinking of the cliche birds and airplanes relationship. I could give it to Bryan as a going away present. I was planing on drawing the insides of planes for him since he's an airplane mechanic. I still think that is so cool! You have to be very intelligent and imaginative to do that. Anyway I think I'll base it of roy lichenstein and lee bontecou's. works. Lichenstein did a lot of pop art, comic strips blown up and things like that. Lee Bontecou is mainly a sculpturist and doesn't title her work. She's inspired by space, the vaccumms of it and other abstarct consepts.

Ok maybe it will work. That doesn't sound that bad. It's just coming up with something new and amorphic that's hard!!! I'd better get started, I'm wasting to much time already!

I'm writing this in response to another blogger asking about Veganism. I've read a lot about it so I thought I'd share someof what I've learned with other people who are interested in becomming Vegan. I'm not going to debate it with anyone though. I'd rather you just didn't comment if you didn't disagree. It's not politics, it's a lifestyle and health choice and I hope people will respect that.

If you are becomming a Vegan you should know...

1. You can't always follow the advice of magazines and popular culture. It takes a lot of time and research to find credible knowledge on health issues. And I'd avoid popular hyped up diets like Atkins and South Beach. You can't LIVE on diets. They're meant to be temporary but you can't modify behavior temporarily, you have to make a life change. Vegan is a life change. Some people might challenge you about it and what I've found that it's not worth it to debate it with everyone. I'd talk to the people closest to you and try to help them understand that this is going to be part of who you are, not a crazy diet. It's part of your mentality because you don't want to harm other creatures and you want to treat your body better. 

I'm vegan becuase I feel very strongly that I shouldn't harm other creatures and myself through a meat based diet. I guess those are my words of wisdom and I'm telling you because it's easy to find foods to eat as a Vegan, the hard thing is living in a culture that challenges that choice and living with people who don't understand it.

I don't really spend enough time online to know of any support groups. Peta is more of an activist group so I haven't found much on there. But the Chopra Center Cookbook by Deepak Chopra is a great book on healthy tips and recipes and will give you all the basics of good. The "Health Ranger" is also a good source. He's a guy who really transformed his life and health and has some good tips and articles. http://www.newstarget.com/adamshealthstats.html

2. And as far as recipes go, I'd stay away from anything to complex! There's several reason for that, 1. the sense of taste is pretty limitted and there's only about less than 20 foods that are palatable(yummy) to humans, so anything complicated won't necessarily taste good. 2. You should always know what you're consuming and what your putting in your body It's also hard to know just want you're putting in your body with complicated recipes or when you're eatting out. However it's fun to experiment with spices, vegetables, and different tastes. And they can often provide your body with nutrients you might be missing 3. It takes to much time and effort and you might get discouraged easily. I have a pretty simple diet. I try to eat foods in there basic form and it's fun to try new vegetables and fruits. I put trail mix in my lunch a lot of the time!

3.Also if your vegan you have to learn to love nuts and beans. Beans are easy to cook too. You just soak them or boil them. A lot of people think that vegans don't get enough protein. Those are people that don't read labels or nutrtional facts tho! Because protein is in a lot of foods besides meat. With meat you can go over your daily requirement for meat in one meal (I don't think requirement is the right word to use because it's not healthy to go to far over or under the requirement and people tend to thing more is better. But for your health it's not!) So if your getting all your protein in one meal you can't have it for the rest of the day, which means you have to avoid dairy, meats, beans, nuts, and other high protein foods. It's better to get them throughout the day so your body can absorb it in small amounts instead of gorging.

The one problem new Vegans sometimes face is absorbing protein properly. But it's easy once you know a few staple dishes, then you can add more variety. Non-animal products have proteins but the they are incomplete proteins. That means they have some amino acids but not all in one source. So you have to combine foods to get complete proteins that will absorb porperly. For example beans and rice will give you a sufficient amount of protein without high amounts of saturated fat, of meat. And tofu is the most amazing food. You'll get more energy from tofu than you ever will from meat. And if you sneak it in a dish most meat eaters will think it's cheese and not even notice!

Plus you don't have the low energy value of meat. Think about it. The animal has already used most of the energy of it's food for it's own body, there's not much energy left to consume once it's used and the conservation of energy law evergy is neither created nor destroyed. It's not created in the animal and there is always waste energy. So what's left!?

4. You'll notice big changes in your body and mind. I have noticed many differences since I became Vegan. I feel lighter and have more energy. I've lost weight but more importantly I didn't just lose fat I gained muscle. I feel stronger and happier. And I enjoy food more.  I enjoy the taste of food in simple form. I can't stand fast food, the starchy buns don't even appeal to me. I will say that burger king has yummy vegi burgers with as much protein as a filet of fish with way less than half the fat. But overall those foods don't appeal to me. I start craving things like tomatoes and like the other day I craved sweet potatoes. It's great because I don't crave unhealthy foods which leave me feeling sluggish and unhappy in the end.

My body craves healthy foods and I've learned to listen to it because it's telling me what nutrients I might be needing or lacking in. I don't think people who consume a lot of meat and sugar have that advantage. They tend to feel only hunger cravings or a sweet tooth craving. When I became a vegan I was craving spinach and apples and different tastes, not just hunger pains. I knew what I wanted and needed to eat it wasn't just a burger fix.

I'll blog more about it later and I'd love to clarify anything if anyone is confused. I read a lot about nutrition and find it interesting if anyone else knows anything else about Veganism or tips they'd like to share. Especially any good books or sites on it!

I absolutely love drawing class. I got to talk about my ideas for my picture in drawing, which was so much fun. I love the teacher. She always gives great feedback and is so encouraging. She really focuses on everyone in the classes work whether they're into it or not. At this point in the semester she's encouraging our strengths and expression in our work. I like having a voice in my work and I'm learning how to do that.

I saw my lovely Dana today! I got a hug and a smile! I was ecstatic. Didn't want to talk to much cuz she was working and her manager was nearby but I got to hear a little on how she's doing. And she gave me some professional tips for my bunny purchasings! Yay!

Mellie is absolutely nuts... just nuts but I love seeing her! She is such a busy body lately with school and friends and her little projects. Like me I guess! I have to be doing something!

O and "someone" emailed me today and wants to talk on the phone. He hates computers and I'm phone-a-phobic. It's wierd because I'm nervous and excited. It's going to be wierd because I've gotten use to ignoring guys and even how to repel them. I feel like such a dork lately with my short hair, glasses, and pea coat. I need a tattoo or something. I want one on my hip in white or blue. I also want to dye my hair... light pink, white, or I donno. But something must be done!

Ok I have to confess I'm a little bit of a supersticious person... I try not to jinx things and believe in charms and ghosts and.... well the list goes on. I've been reading a lot of horroscopes lately and they are starting to annoy me. I guess I am a picky and perfectionist Virgo occasionally. But I'm a bit messy too and I'll buy crazy little things that make me happy. I over think things why too much but that doesn't mean I'm picky or a perfectionist. What's wrong with trying to make a choice I can feel good about!

I also hear Leo's demand attention and praise. Then Meme must not be a true Leo because she is so concerned about her friends and making them feel good and have fun. She's not self-centered by just wanting to make sure everyone is having fun and things go the way she wants. Don't we all want things to go our way.

O and the one that bugs me the most is that me and Geminis have no compatibility. Not even an opposites attract type of thing. The only thing we have is a meeting of the minds but we're not suppose to understand each other. My 2 best friends are Gemini's! I've had a lot of Gemini friends. Most of my friends were born in June for some reason. I like being around them. I have more fun and can let loose more. And I need my Gemini friend Dana to tell me to do what makes me happy. Everyone needs a friend like that. We put up to many roadblocks when we're scared.

Arg she does understand me even if it says she doesn't! Like the other day I was scared to keep talking to thin person and she figured out that I really wanted to but I was scared. She gets me. And I get them. They're not really so different from me. They're not flighty Gemini's they're focused on their degrees and work and family.

I have to admit I still believe in it a little. It's fun and I can be a bit of a Virgo, overthinking things, picky about who are my friends, and I get in a cleaning frenzy when I'm procrastinating... It's wierd how well those things can fit you yet be so off. Especially with relationships. I don't think I'd like a Virgo friend. I'm people to calm my neuroticism. I don't know what my friends and family benefit from me but I do anything they ask and my family seeks me out for advice a lot. I'm good at it, I have a critical mind, can't help it. I'm a bore most times but I can be goofy if I want to cheer someone up.

Ok and I also have an active imagination. Very Picses! I probably have more traits of other signs too. Damn it why do I pick up random books and read random things online. Now I'm obsessed just like I was with rap, nutrition, politics, and all those other things I was temporarily obsessed with learning about. I'm so wierd, it's sick.

Arg why do I read so much! It does me no good. I should stick to reading about how birds fly instead of books that tell me stupid things about my life and my friends.

I'm so happy school is almost done with! I have a few papers and exams and lots of studying before then. I'm excited tho. I like my drawing assingment so far. Very cool. I'm glad I finally found a teacher who could criticize my work but encourages me to express it in my own way. My last drawing teacher told me not to make it so stylized. Well I'm stylish! Can't help it!

Ma is harsh today. Flipping out about lots of stuff. We were going shopping but I can't stand her so I'll get started on homework... after blogging of course! Not much new I suppose. Going to look for a job later. I know of some health stores in the area. I'm such a health nut and I love learning and being a know-it-all!

I think libraries, health stores, and art stores will be fun. I have an "eye" for what looks goods. One of my few talents but I gravitate towards art. It's like a philosophy when you get into it. No really hard facts. It's completely human, not scientific. I love it. I liked writing my artist statement and coming up with a concept.  I think artists are like modern philosophers and explorers. The good ones I mean. Not the NY avant garde crack-cocaine partiers. Real artists.

Ol is my soul mate, going to marry him. Yes he's a bunny. And it's gross but I love animals! I have a lot of them in my dreams. They're so percious! I love the way they think and play! Ol always looks so innocent! He never does anything mean. Never bites and never does what he's not suppose too. He's the perfect companion for me because I'm easily hurt and everyone else seems to lash out and put me down or undervalue me.

I've been having a lot of strange dreams lately, people mutating, being kidnapped, and last night all I remember are these strange shapped body parts, they were like lumpy flesh covered balloons. Very disturbing. I wonder why I'm dreaming all these things. The other day I realized that I made it through fall without having a major depressive episode. Usually they last october to november. But I've been ok. I think art has helped. I'm off in my own world most of the time, reality is pretty dissapointing. Anyway the only thing I can think of that's bothering me is the way people treat me. People in my classes think I'm odd. Andthe few people I really have relationships don't care about me. I don't need them to do anything for me or buy me anything, just pay attention I guess.

Lately my family haven't been to nice. I get yelled at when I do nice things for them and help them. And I get yelled at for what I don't do. Instead of asking me to do it, it's my fault I didnt think of it. And I can't even talk to them. They'll be watching tv or chatting on the phone for hours and I'm thinking 'hello! we live in the same house and I haven't been able to talk to you all night!" I guess most people my age don't spend time with their families as much and have big groups of friends they party with. I'm thinking that maybe I should become a hermit. No one cares lately.

I try to do nice things for people and I do what they ask. I guess I can't make people happy tho. They don't care about relationships or people's feelings. Maybe that's why people think I'm cold. Because I don't want to fuck around and chat. All I want is someone who I can share what really matters love, our thoughts, anything but idle chitchat. I care about people, but I don't like to laugh and joke all the time and catch up on every little boring aspects of our lives.

I'm just disapointed in people lately. Merry fuckin Christmas. Open your gifts and shop away the holidays. People don't matter. Kindness doesn't matter. live for yourself, it's the American way.

I worked on my paper for most of the day today... blech... but it didn't turn out too bad. I kept windows open in the background and browsed different sites and took a break. I also made broccoli, bean, tomato, burgers. The recipe isn't perfected but it smelled delicious and tasted ok with seasoning. Anywho, my paper is done except for a few revisions.

When I was done me and my Mom decided to go shopping for christmas. I haven't gone in months, despite picking up neccesities at dollar stores. I found a winter coat at rainbow for 15 dollars. It's a puffy coat and gold. I wanted white but I couldn't keep it clean. My old gray coat was heavy, ichy wool with holes in the pockets. And my Ma just bought a peacoat so I don't want to look like a miniMa anymore. She's cute but she's stealing my look! j/k

O and we went to OldNavy and hit the clearance racks. As if the store wasn't cheap enough and I got a cute sweatshirt in one of my fav colors marroon, and yoga pants and shirt, and a leopard print cardigan. We didn't spend too much either! I'm not a fan of shopping! We brought a cart in the fitting room and I'd try on stuff like 'what the hell were they thinking when they made this?' I couldn't even figure out how to get in some shirts and I put them on and there's be a giant bow on my boobs and a zipper were no zipper needs to be, and all sorts of wierd contraptions. I guess I tried on about 15 shirts... pants would have been worse and I was DONE!

The stores were so busy, I'm so happy I dont' work retail no more! That reminds me, I heard of a job opportunity in the kitchen of a retirement home. i will definetly apply.

We picked Melissa up from work. She was hostile and sweet at the same time. And of course she came home and went out again. I need to get out more. She has more of a social life now than I've had my entire life!

Experiencing self-loathing right now. I have absolutely no spine and no confidence. Why can't I even go half way for someone I think is incredible and could be one of the best things to happen to me, even if we just become friends... I really would be happy with that. I'm so scared of the phone for some reason. How wierd is that. I just can't call. I mean someone likes me without seeing my face and emails me and gives me their phone number and so far has done everything and I can't even call. I'm such a coward. Why am I so scared of people and so scared of what they think of me?!

Is it residue for getting made fun of in school so much or isn't it just my biggest character defect: that I crave friendships and love but am too scared of it to get it. People who you love can hurt you the most, maybe that's why I'm so guarded. I might like someone and then like them too much and get hurt. I've lost too many good friends, who I trusted and cared about and then they turn their back on me.

I guess those are just excuses tho. I'm really just being a coward. And I always thought that before I'd have a boyfriend I should figure out who I am first. What a wierd thought to have for a young girl, not to be boy crazy and dreaming about crushes. And I guess I don't have any confidence. I thought I did but maybe I'll never have enough. I assume people won't like me for who I am so I don't let them get to know me.

I need to grow a spine. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm clever and witty and kind. I have a personality. Maybe I'm not too pretty or the perfect woman but I have my own thoughts and I'm my own person. I still can't do it tho. I'm really terrified. I supress it, so I never freak out, but inside I just keep holding it down, because I'm just that scared.

O god, O god O god! Ok I'm not the biggest coward. I called! It was the slowest dialing ever and I took so long the first time the robot lady told me to hang up and try again. I was mad at her but I did and I got an answering machine. I didn't leave a message, how bad is that? But I did call. Sexy voice, not what I imagined... I have problems with disimbodied voices, going back to work when I'd answer the phone and someone will come in and be like 'remember me we just talked' and I'd be thinking 'you're a man! you sounded like a woman!' Or even worse they'd be talking to me about what we talked about on the phone expect me to have figured out the voice on the phone matches the person.

I'm still a phone-a-phob but I did it. O and the message was those. 'hello... you have reached...' all formal sounding. I think it's a business number or number for clients or something. Mmmm clients... ::homer voice:: Clients are sexy. I like clients. Geez I'm giddy, not at all like me. I'm such a ditz right now! What happened to the eccentric independent chick I was in high school?

What a rush! Someone pop me! I have to much joy inside!

I should have left a message. I always do those wrong tho. I'd probably be like HI! and then burp as I do too often when I'm at home. And then I'd ramble and forget to say whose calling and throw in about 50 'ums.'

I'm still proud of myself tho, how sad is that!

Christmas was amazing! It felt as good as... well Christmas! I love the family stuff, just having them around, and following old traditions and starting new ones. My Mom was crazy stressed out this season. She wants everything to be perfect. I love what she got me. She got me a membership to a health food store, pilates and yoga dvds, and some clothes I've been needing. I teased her about not having pjs like every year and she took it to heart. No one else was really thankful and my sister was bugging her about the ipod still. I told her I don't really need them but she took me shopping to get some today. I didn't get any, we went to get me a textbook for school, I only need one. All I needed for my Russian class was a 40 cent map. Wohoo! I actaully made a profit by trading in my book and gettting the map!

Christmas was great. I was looking foward to mass. I haven't been in a long while and I knew the chior was going to sing and the church would be decorated and beautiful and I could sit there with my family ever year. But nausea set in. We sat in the middle and I had to get up and have everyone move so I could get out about 3 times. Then the third time Christmas dinner was down the toilet. My vegan stomach just didn't take to it! I didn't realize the dressing had milk and cheese and I didn't think the cookies would do much. But they did! Nothing stayed in! So I sat outside the rest of the time and Melissa checked on me. Cold air seems to help with whatever ailes me, headache, nausea, cramps, whatever.

But the most amazing, bestest part of Christmas was that me and my brother and sister fell asleep downstairs in the living room like we use to when we were kids. It's extra special because my brother is going away to school and we're not as close as when we were kids and having sleepovers and staying up all night laughing. So that was my favorite part of Christmas Eve.

The next day we visited both sides of the family. We watched Nestor the long earred donkey, which was really cute. My Uncle Jim let my borrow some art books on Erte and Escher. And Aunt Kathy got me a beautiful scarf and sweater. My Mom's side is so sweet. I loved seeing them. My Dad's side was charming and witty as usual. I've been really tired lately and sleeping way more than usual and not eatting much. Today I can eat tho. Woohoo. I love food!

I got sick Christmas night again. Today I'm finally recovering and can eat! Wohoo! I'm starving. I couldn't keep anything done yesterday!

I don't know if I can trust my intution ever again. I'm think way too much. I am rational to the extreme and I don't think I could ever say all that I think. Not that I'm bright or my thoughts go by too fast. They're just to complex for words because only I would understand them. Anyway, I realized that this is my decision and some of the people I love have been encouraging and think it's all fun and nothing bad could happen and others would rather control me because they can only see me getting hurt. It frustrates me. I am very, very sensible. I want someone to talk to and a little guidance. I can't really talk to anyone about it tho. I know what everyone will say if I tell them. I guess I'm just going to have to look out for myself. And it's not to protect myself, I'm not in danger. And it's not because I'm scared to have a little fun.

I just know that some things are to important to me. I don't want to mess around with people who aren't ever going to understand who I am and what's important to me. I don't understand people who live in the moment, on impulse, however they want. People who don't think of other people's feelings first, who live for attention, who try to sell them selves rather than realize who they are at what they really look like if they ever stepped back and looked at their life. I don't understand the horrible careless, childish things people do and how they don't look back with shame and think about what that makes them.

I'm disappointed in the world again. I tried. Tried to open up. Not be so cold, have a little fun. But it's not completely right. It's close and how I felt seemed real, it was real in a sense. More real in my head at the time. But now I know it's not right. My intuition got me into this. But I've got my intution, a head, a heart, and a soul. And I don't always work so well but I've got a extreemly strong will.

Few have it but the people I've grown up with all have strong resolves and are stubborn as hell. So my mind is made up. It's not worth it for good or bad, because it's not right. Not 100 percent. I'm not exactly a perfectionist, or and optimist, or an idealist. It's sort of my science. There is a certain way things are meant to be in the end. And I'd rather be closer to where I should be than not. Make sense? I guess I always look foward and back. It's more real than the present. So my mind is made up and I'm trusting my intuition. It's there for a reason. It was testing me, seeing where I'd go. I'm glad I'm smarter for it. And my will is like an iron fist! lol

 It's amazing the a country based on individual rights and freedom can be so unaccepting, conforming, and scared of everything! We're scared of terrorists sure, but we're even scared of our neighbors. People findout someone's gay or of a different religion and all of a sudden they're scared of them!

I don't like our culture much either. Other countries often call us vulgar. And we are. Our entertainment is every where and full of cheap thrills, dirty sex, and senseless violence. Families are often dysfunctional and friends are within the same socioeconomic group, look and act the same, and are superficial. We probably have the worst artery-clogging tasteless, food. Any arts or culture we have is dumb down and mainstreamed through the tv.

Some countries ban marketting to children but in America everything is profittable and marketable. Children's sing tv commercials rather than  nursery rhymes and dont learn moral lessons from stories and fables but learn to pick up on pop culture allusions in cartoons and laugh at and emualate the stupidity in the cartoon characters. Instead of seeing Homer Simpson as a satire on American laziness and stupidity we think he's charming and familiar. And at the other end of the spectrum are the work-a-holics and overachievers who think money is everything.

Rant on annoying, ignorant people I encounter too often at school....

There are plenty of parents who use money as their primary way of childrearing. And they make the most naive and ignorant people. And the reward of money is enough to raise any child, spoiled and thinking the world is "random" and careless and anything they get into they can get out of. Now every person I know uses random. Me and my friends use to say it because our humor was random and spontaneous. But to a lot of people it's their whole outlook. They see something different and say "that was random." No, it's not. It's consequential. Just because they don't understand how things like getting in a car wreck (no not accident, accidents don't happen, someone is at fault) THERE IS A REASON WHY THINGS HAPPEN. Like not paying attention and hitthing a car. There's a reason. So the consequence is someone's car gets smashed, someone gets injured, daddy takes your car away, and insurance rates go up. And the reason... you were acting like an idiot and shouldn't have been on the road. And someone dying.... not random. It's the natural order of things. We live and die and there is always a circumstance to our deaths. He smoked for years and it finally killed him. Or they slipped and fell when they didn't salt their steps. REASON! Somethings are unavoidable. But nothing in my whole like I have ever experienced is random. I have never heard anyone say something that's random. It may be new and never heard of before but it came from some set of thoughts in there head or some neuron misfired and it came out funny. But not random!

So it really bothers me to hear that word random come out of some people's mouths. Just because they accept no responsibility for anything and they think the world is just a game doesn't mean the world is as they see it. Nietzche made an interesting theory but to live your life that way is careless and cruel. There are people who genuinely don't care about other people, except for how it makes them look of how they feel. People who think life revolves around them and people serve them because they deserve it and they make it that way. They idle away their lives shopping, following trends and the lives of celebrities, being as unproductive and useless as possible.

Every now and then I wish I was one of those naive girls I hate so much. The ones that think every day is a party and everyone is there too entertain them. I have to be to sensible tho. I have to be sane and rational and make the right decision all the time. It's my best and worst trait to over think everything. I don't miss much and I always know the sanest and smartest decision to make. I know the sacrifices and the consequences of nearly everything I do.

And it's frustrating as hell! I can't just date guys because as soon as I meet one and like one the list starts. I can't help but remember all the things that annoy me and that I don't like and all the faults that I see in their character and then it keeps adding up until I never end up even talking to the person, or like now I get to know them and then have to tell them I don't want to talk to them anymore. Not just that I'm not interested in them, but that I don't want to talk to them or see them or deal with them.

I like his personality I think and I got to know him pretty well. It was cute when he started crying on the phone and it was nice to have someone to listen to me. But I've ended that. I'm not good at many things but I'm way to good at judging people's characters, and that's what bothered me the most. He sort of reminded me of a friend I had when I was little and of people I know as far as his personality went. But I guess what I saw that made me ask him not to call anymore was a weak character.

Like most guys the things he said he did seemed immature and ego-centric. And he seemed like he'd be pretty attentive and he said he'd be loyal. But to a lot of people loyal means being nice to the people while you like them, until you change your mind and find someone who's more interesting. I don't have time for that. I've had too many friends just walk out, and I don't need that from guys.

And the biggest downfall from being a sane, rational, thinking person is that you're likely to make yourself pretty lonely. I can't say I have any superficial friends. I don't waste my time with that. I don't have 'party' friends or people to just check in with and do the whole 'so what are you doing now? how's you family?' crap. But yea I guess I'm going to be lonely.

I expect people to be compassionate, when most people live for theirselves and think everyone should live like they do. I like people who have virtues and are thier own personality, not people who are always seeking attention and making everything into a joke.

So I'm just going to have to be lonely for now. And it's not because I think I'm too good for everyone. I just have people who love me so much that I can't help but have some respect for myself, enough to say I'm not going to mess around with guys who are only in it for the thrills, and who will never really know me for who I really I am. It's not worth it in the end.

I know most girls would think, 'he's hot so why don't I just have fun? he couldn't do anything to hurt me if we're just having fun' and eventually he finds someone funner and she gets 'dramatic' as he'll call it and think he should just be with her. And it never works out that way. As soon as she cries and demands he be with just her, he feels trapped and runs. I guess I'm not missing that... but the trade off is that I don't get to have the fun.

But I could never do that because I'd feel to wierd. I can't let someone in my life like that unless I really care about them. I can't let my day dreams get in the way and think I'm happy when really it's all in my head. I know people to well. I know the people that will stick around and I know the people that don't have it in them to ever care about you as much as you deserve.

So I'm going to be lonely, it's just the way it is for now. And hopefully I'll find someone who is decent and honest and I can be happy and in love. But its not now. And it's really difficult for me to be this way, but I just can't help it! It's who I am. I'm not sexy, or ambitious, or entertaining. I'm just a nice, smart girl, sometimes too nice and sometimes too sensible but at the core of how I am, I'm too sensitive and caring for some people to be able to deal with, even if I act cold and distant. It's a defense mechanism I've had for too long, and it hides who I am but it also protects me and keeps people from seeing what they don't want to see.

I just decided I'm taking intro to Russia and Eastern Europe. It's a wierd little obsessive interest of mine. I keep daydreaming about onion domes, post Soviet Union politics, long wool trench coats. I went on the website for the U.S. embassy in Russia... and it won't be a very easy place to travel to, they will almost never accept American money, you must have a visa at all times, there are plenty of pickpockets and random beatings of tourists in taxi cabs. It's still a beautiful country to me. I like cold climates. And it looks like a beautiful country with a rich history. I don't know about communism, I think it might like it better than capitalism... fat lazy pigs!... whether it is better or not. Americans are vulgur and vain. We're so rich but have the worst taste, we won't everything tacky and mass produced. Anyway looking forward to that class! Maybe I'll meet a hot Russian man in that class. That accent is sexy. American guys are like eff this, eff that, and so macho bleg. I'm kidding. Just venting... I type to fast really I should think before I blaaaaaaag this out.

I haven't been drawing much this week:( I've meant to get some stuff done over the break. I got sick over Christmas tho, laying around with no energy and not eatting because I couldn't keep anything now. Finally I can eat again and I had a baaaaaad craving for hummus... yea wierd I know! So I've been eatting my hummus and getting my energy back. Tried to exercize today with a dvd my Ma got me... I hate squats! I really frickin hate them. Yoga and Pilates and Running are the only forms of exercize I like. Besides walking and occasionally tackling my sister. But no I don't like doing the same stupid thing over and over. Boring!

I'm so happy that I finally get to see Dana and Tim and exchange gifts! I'm making them dinner too! I bought some chilli and I'm making fruit enchiladas for desert! I'll have to add to the chilli, it's vegan for me so I'll add some veges, but I might get some meat and cheese for them too. I love them more than my beliefs, so if they want it they'll get it. O! and nachos! Must have nachos, soy cheese, real cheese, and salsa! They like Mexican food, it'll be all good!

Day's bringing 'Are you a dork?' a board game she got for Christmas. If you have to be the dorkiest to win this game, it's going to be a tight race. I am a dork about too many things. I read more than the national average which is really low, and I read old books, that are harder to understand, but to me they make more sense. Less fluff and space filler and more insightful. I'm pretty dorky about art... actually I think being an artist makes me a freak or a elitest or something. And being a vegan makes me a hippie. O but I did work at a library, again dork status! I loved it there tho. I want to go back! And I do research things before I do them... check out consumer reports on cars, read nutrtional labels on foods, tips on buying clothes in magazines, books on bunnies before buying Oliver, books on veganism, I even read books on the subject before I take a class on it! ... very dork like....

Then again Tim is a Star Wars/ Computer Geek. Not just dork, geek, he knows more than the average dork about it. He's my biggest threat! Then again Dana knows a lot about cars, insanley too much for a little woman! And she knows her psychology but that's practical and not creepy dork status. She knows about animals from work, but she's not too obsessed about anything... maybe Zim and John Reznik.

But that's not dorky. See you have to either a: join a club with other obsessive people 2: was I working with numbers or letter? ok anyway 2a: know more facts about it than anyone should know... impossible stuff that you can't find anywhere but the dorks have this secret knowledge or 3: It has too comsume  your life to some extent... you are no longer just a enthusiast or a fan... you are one with the object of your obsession, life is bleak or non-existent without it. It is the dark recesses of your soul and you think about it day and night. That is a true dork!

So I may not be the best dork. I pick up books no one else would ever pick up unless they had to and there were no cliff notes. And I like Artists not for their names or fame but for their strange eccentric personalities and styles of painting. And I know a lot about it, more than average so that is slightly dorky. I think I'm mostly just a life dork. I like reading about new stuff and learning new things. I get bored with one thing and have to learn about something new or my life is dull and empty.

So will I win?! It be sad if I dodn't and even sadder if I do!

I never updated after my party! Well banana enchiladas were a success! Heheh just kidding. I'm just glad to have my friends over. I think they liked they're gifts. I got Day a flip photobook, I know she already has one but I didn't think of that when I bought it in november so I just photoshopped some pics and put them in. I put in the one of her and Tim that I love so much. Day's ecstatic and laughing and Tim's smiling shyly. It was so cute becuase you can tell how they feel about each other. Day is crazy with love and Tim thinks he's the luckiest guy in the world. Day really has too much love anyway. She's spewing with it. O and I got Tim an older version of the stormtrooper ornament. He knew even what kind of stormtrooper it was. Freaky. But he was happy so woo!

O and we played 'Are you a Dork?' It was the funnest and silliest game. I had to say everything twice one turn. Like like this this. And I had to do a elvis impersonation. I read Tim's card and it said kiss the person to your left where I was but I changed it to right and he gave Day a smack instead. Fhew! O and we had to pick fighter pilot names. I love that game. And I served banana enchiladas which Day loved. Eddie was allergic to uncooked bananas but didn't say anything until after. I'm glad I reheatted them!

O and Day got me the best smelling organic bodyspray. It had bees on the box. And a little bee that buzzed a Christmas carol. I didn't know until the next day he did that but it was cute. And she got me a Joanns gift card which I can use as soon as I get my syllabus for my art classes! Tim got me a tiger and lion, like the Weebls cartoon. 'Where can you find lions? Only in Kenya... Kenya believe it?"

Mellie and her friends got loud and crazy after that. I love Kaitlyn she's sweet. But Mellie gets loud and gets everyone wild and crazy. Then Day got tired so they had to leave. I spent too long trying to find the Gollum scene for her. And Kaitlyn had a  long drive home. So I was left with Mellie sitting on Eddie's lap plucking his eyebrows... young love? Finally the oaf was leaving and Mellie probably went out to his car to make out with him before he left.

I was wide awake and stayed up and watched tv for a while. Last night I stayed up until 5am too. I don't even know what I was doing! I was just up doing whatever and then I notice it's 5am! Very odd for me! I've been so tired all week now I don't think I could make myself sleep!

O ya and I taked to that someone I've been bothered about lately. I said I didn't want to talk anymore I just don't feel comfortable doing that. He probably thinks that I'm just scared and my parents are telling me what to do but he didn't say anything. I could have pulled out a list of the things that bothered me but that's mean and I would never even put it on paper because that's not fair to him. I liked his honesty, his humor, that he liked just talking about whatever and really listening to what I had to say too, and he's emotional honest, which you don't find in guys a lot. It's just better this way. Opposites attract but do they ever really understand each other? I don't think so. Anyway that's the way it is. I made up my mind, I might second guess myself but I can't take back what I did and there's no point in having regrets.

It's so sad that as long as we've been on earth we still haven't managed to learn to share our environment with others. We take the best, most fertile lands and put houses on them and tear down wildlife habitats for shopping malls. I feel uneasy and guilty seeing roadkill strewn out across the roads wherever I go. And birds sitting on wires for warm and exposing themselves to the radiation. And last Wednesday they called the campus police to remove a raccoon that was in a area that students aren't even suppose to use. It's this grassy plot of land in the U of the building. People were seeing he was sick. Paranoia I guess. He just seemed to be digging for food and maybe he was a little sluggish... then again he is nocturnal. It's just strange to me that people should feel so strongly that he shouldn't be there. Why shouldn't he. I'm not saying tear down the building but raccoons have been living in that area longer than the garbage cans have been there.

Maybe it's becuase I have animals that I know that they are just like small children. They have low cognitive development and limitted facial expressions but when you spend time with them you know they have feelings. And it's not just your feelings getting in the way. It's not the way you love your favorite shirt or doing your favorite shirt. You get a response. They nudge your feet when they want attention or bark and run when people yell and scare them.

Maybe people think pets are different from wildlife. They generally think of them as something to own not as a companion or creature to care for and love. Actually most peopl don't even treat their children that well now that I think of it. A lot of people  I know push their children almost to the breaking point because they want them to be successful and they spoil them with money rather than love. Parents don't use the belt to punish their children they use their wallets as a reward to make them behave. But then they end up with a spoiled, selfish, naive child and don't know what to do with them. Why am I so disappointed in the world. I guess I've alway maintained my outsider status and refuse to do accept that what's normal is right. There's common sense and then there's conventional knowledge. The former is smarter than the latter. But wisdom, a critical mind, and creativity are more essential to living a happy life than following the crowd and believing in transient things like money, power, success... But everyone has their own path and we're all at different levels. Maybe they will wake up one day.

I'm taking a poll... so how many people think that in every relationship there's almost always one person who loves the other person more?

My mother just accused me of letting the devil in the house...